The Peoples Forum
Reflections on Fathers Day
"These things I will do"
By A.J. Remes Jr.
Charlotte, NC
"As I sat, unable to sleep, in my Florida hotel room,
I reflected on how he had changed."
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The drive from Charlotte North Carolina to Boca Raton Florida covers seven hundred miles, on three Interstates, through four states. It provides an opportunity to observe the beautiful and varied landscape of the American Southeast.
I didn't see any of it. I was going to my Father's funeral.
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My parents separated when I was 4. We hadn't lived in the same area in twenty years. He moved to Florida when I was seventeen. Our adult relationship consisted of weekly phone calls and annual visits.
I spent fourteen hours on the road sorting through memories, trying to decide how to remember him. I grouped my thoughts of Dad into typical parental roles: Friend, Disciplinarian, and Provider. As the miles passed, the word teacher kept popping up. Looking back on the Father-Son discussions we had I began to see a pattern in his teaching; a method of contradiction.
I-77 between Charlotte and Columbia South Carolina
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Dad was a long haul trucker. We spent most of our quality time together when I accompanied him on trips. This was the only real opportunity we had to spend extended periods with each other.
One night on the road, when I was twelve, he regaled me with stories of his youthful misadventures. He sat, half smiling, and wove funny tales full of exacting details of time and place, cars and people. He painted a darkly cinematic picture of suburban life in the 1950's, American Graffiti as film noir. He was a great storyteller. Sensing that I might be in danger of mythologizing his past, His smile morphed into a parental sternness, he paused, and said But don't do that.
I-26 Across South Carolina
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As I grew into my mid-teens I became more of a participant in the work associated with trips in the truck. Unloading trailers full of furniture involved long days of strenuous lifting in weather that was either too hot or very cold. After one particularly long day, as I sat looking at my dinner trying to summon enough strength to lift my fork, he revealed his true motive for the trip. Tired? he said. Yes, how do you do this every week? I asked. He explained, simply, that he had to. Then he told me how much it meant to him that I do well in school, go to college and get a job in an air-conditioned office. He concluded, I don't want you to have to do this.
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In my 20's and early 30's conversations would often turn to whom I was dating, and later my engagement and marriage. He would discuss his relationships through the years. He would site miss-steps, and errors in judgment. I would listen and tell him that it was OK. I understood that things happen. He would stop and say, good, I just doní' want you to do that.
As I sat, unable to sleep, in my Florida hotel room, I reflected on how he had changed. He glowed in the presence of his grandchildren. He spoke with increasing freedom of emotion to his children. He strengthened the relationships with his siblings. He renewed his commitment to his Faith. He had a marriage filled with love, friendship and trust.
These things I will do.
By A.J. Remes Jr. Charlotte, NC
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