The Peoples Forum
An Open letter to the U.S.A
First of all, please be assured that the odd little whisp of an imp with the horrible accent, that no one will take responsibility for, who goes from country to country claiming to be our Prime Minister has been safely brought back to the home.
By Paul Gordon
Cannington Ont. Canada
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From Durham Region, Ontario Canada
First of all, please be assured that the odd little whisp of an imp with the horrible accent, that no one will take responsibility for, who goes from country to country claiming to be our Prime Minister has been safely brought back to the home. Unfortunately, his successor has been waiting in the wings so long he forgot what it was he took over, but not to worry.
Just humour him too. He's destined to be one of those hopscotch Prime Ministers we seem to come across too often, lately. We'll be jumping him soon and following the pebble to the next politician who's made this Country what it is, famous for politicians who don't do anything a la Veggie Tales pirates. But eh, we do have lots and mega lots of dirt, potatoes, hockey pucks... and untapped oil reserves just for that rainy day of total economic collapse and anarchy. Nothing like clean air and french fries when you're on the run through the Northern Tundra and hurdling moose paddies and jetisoning pucks.
By the way, if our Queen happens to drop in for a 'Price is Right' type luxury vacation and Walmart shopping spree for red twizzlers and Excel assorted(which they're always out of) gum, please take a pair of scissors (not those Chinese, dollar store kind) and kindly cut up her Bank O' Canada Visa card into itsy bitsy little pieces.
No, we didn't know we had a Queen either, but who could top Governor General royalty with such impeccable credentials as a former Communist Broadcasting Company, token news anchor and graduate of the Ryerson school of journalism or F.U. America .
Now, to the real plea for help. It has come to our attention in the tiny northwest quadrant of Durham Region that there could be a terrorist threat to the U.S. from within, or overseas. Well, we are overseas, but of the kind that could be swam across for the right charity.. even rowed across on spur of the moment overcast evenings, for the right profit margin of socialist taxed contraband. Now we don't blame you for being ticked at the whole freakin Country (as a matter of fact) but please have a heads up for our neck of the woods.
Durham Region lies just east of Toronto, Canada's own San Francisco Treat and imploding black hole of brain cells. Toronto is sooo intellectually politically correct their shh..ewage don't stink. Their latest project under left wing icons is to seek amnesty for American deserters, heh, pacificism rocks! ... for a while, anyway.
Now, Toronto gets everything good worth gettin in Ontario, heck they can even pile on the gas tax orgy now... hospitals on every downtown corner, no one else can get to or the socialist Province can pay for (sorry I've regressed to a pay- stub moment again...ouch...okay, where was I), arenas, skydomes, massaggg...ur blah blah blah.
Toronto gets nothing bad... their garbage does a Bill's guard pulling, end run sweep clear around the lake, right out of the Country clear to Michigan, (sheesh, what were they thinkin, and thanks for those hydro trucks during the deep freeze, eh, perhaps we can returr...nah... never mind).
The kicker is that Michigan didn't get the worse and at least they got tipped. No, Durham Region got the matches Toronto didn't want to burn their fingers with and all the Homer employment we could want. Yes, two beauty humungous nuclear stations eh.. both in Durham Region less than 20 miles (don't get me, going on metric) apart on the shores of Lake Ontario. Two, because...well Toronto wanted two and the further east you go from Toronto... to put it kindly... the more accepting, communities become of Nuclear Stations, but the closest is the cheapest.
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"Now we don't blame you for being ticked at the whole freakin Country
(as a matter of fact) but please have a heads up for our neck of the woods."
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It's the protection part that worries us. Now, personally I think the terrorists are a little preoccupied diving from cave to cave, to put together another sophisticated and coordinated long distance plan of the magnitude of 9-11 (anytime soon) that would blow a twin fuse on these babies, but heh I've been wrong once or twice. And heh, it may not be so long distance if you get my drift.
Now just in the off chance terrorists are looking for a forecast of a gentle southernly breeze over New York State, beginning with... well.. Rochester, (but a vast water supply for at least laundry, baths and school fountains of a lot of people) we need some protection.
Now I hate to blow our (one night wonder) great nation's, defense secrets and take away our secret service men, CSIS (pronounced sissys I think, heh... we have the loony for a dollar) from listening to juicy phone calls, but the local papers had it a while back that the Tim Horton (donut) patrol, the Durham Region Police, (to serve..in english push one.. whatever...) have the dubious honour of guarding the forts with core temps of oh, the sun.
Durham Region is about the size of some small U.S. States, but we only have a police force of, oh I don't know (care) 100-150 tops (the whole population would poop out at about 200k plus). Half of the force have really nice short blond, but quaffed hair, manicured hands and a nice kinda smell to them and the other half are female.
A few years back, within Durham Region, the city of Oshawa (native speak for, great visionary) boasted the only airport school for international Arab pilots, an airport that handles commuter jets only a camel's spit from both Nuclear Stations and Hundreds of miles from the nearest Canadian Air Forces fleet of F-18 (one) and ground to air missles... scratch those... Liberal budget cuts.. who needs those things? .
Now we in Cannington wouldn't want anything to pretentious, or suspicious for our protection, maybe an aircraft carrier or something just kind of nonchalantly trolling the warm micro-waved water currents for giant salmon or creepy carp. Any hassels from government nosybodies or uppity socialist sovereignty or envoirnment freaks...just tell them you're visiting Paul.
Paul Gordon Cannington Ont. Canada
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