THE DATING GAME

Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend
And Other Dating Myths



John Connolly debunks some dating myths

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1. There are plenty of fish in the sea:
This is almost true. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Unfortunately, most of them have been thrown back by other people. If they’re not caviar they’re cat food. (Note: people in relationships use this adage to reassure those who are not. The only response is to hope their relationships break up calamitiously. Ha! See how reassuring they find it then)

2. It is better to be single and lonely than atached and discontented:
It is better to be attached, discontented and having regular sex than to be single and having no sex at all .

3. Men are afraid of commitment:
Men are afraid of everything. They are afraid of rejection, of acceptance, of their girlfriends, of their girlfriends parents, of their girlfriends’ friends. In relationship terms, men live in a constant state of controlled terror. This exibits itself in peculiar ways, such as phonophobia ( fear of using a telephone to call a girl whose number you’ve taken and who you’ve promosed - promised - to call on Monday ) and definophobia (fear of making a commitment to be somewhere with a partner even a couple of days down the line in case something - anything - more important comes up ). Anyway, men would not be so afraid of commitment if women didn’t keep bringing it up.

4. There is someone for everyone:
This is true: when I was in school her name was Lisa and the going rate was a candy bar.

5. There is someone for everyone, part II:
Again, this is something attached people say to be reassuring. In fact, there are some poor bastards who are destined to die lonely. This is because they are desperate, inadequate and sexually abnormal, with low self-esteem, a tendency to self-pity and a coulple of bad relationships behind them. Unfortunately, they don’t hide it as well as the rest of us.

6. Single people have more fun:
In reality, dating is hard, disapointing and frequently frustrating. At best, it’s a series of empty, meaningless sexual encounters - which is still pretty good, but won’t make you happy in the long term. No, honestly.
In addition, married men live longer and always have someone on hand to tell them how wonderful they are. Women, meanwhile, suffer from stress and depression, watch their husbands grow fat and contented in front of Monday Night Football, and end up as widows. So, a good deal all around.

7. Teenagers now are different from the way we used to be:
In truth, they still look the same - pimply, slightly funny smelling, dressed like unemployed football players - but the girls now dress like supermodels. When I was a teenager, girls wore baggy jeans and shapeless sweaters. For the first 17 years of my life, I thought girls didn’t develop breasts until they married. I assumed it was somethong in the water. Actually I wouldn’t have known what to say to a girl dressed in a black mini-skirt, a vest and high heels when I was a teenager. Mind you, I’m rapidly approaching the age when I know exactly what I’ll say to her, and it’ll start with “No daughter of mine is going out dressed like a streetwalker ...”

8. Diamonds are a girls best friend:
Not true. Men are womens best friends. And women love to wrap both around their fingers.

9. The whole dating scene isn’t worth it - there’s no such thing as eternal love:
As Woody Allen put it, the heart is a very resilient little muscle. It breaks, it heals, it breaks again, but dissapointments in love rarley kill it; To quote Allen again, in love, as in all things, 70 percent of success is showing up. Love exists, but you have to be out there to find it. Just don’t come running to me when it all falls apart.

John Connnolly